The NFL Combine Happened

Here are the results of the NFL Combine.

I didn’t get a chance to watch any of it, but that isn’t going to stop me from having an opinion about it. Here is what jumped out at me:

David Buehler is a badass. He had 25 reps of 225 on bench press. That's the 45 pound bar plus two 45 pound plates on each side. Doing that once impresses me - doing that 25 times REALLY impresses me. Oh, I forgot to mention, he is a kicker. Yeah, one of those fags. He also ran a 4.6 40 yard dash. One other little thing that should be mentioned, he ended the regular season by missing all 3 field goal attempts against UCLA. So, maybe he should spend a little more time kicking footballs instead of bench pressing. I'm guessing he thinks no chicks want to hook up with the dorky kicker. Hey kid, I got news for you. Just being on an NFL team is enough to get pletny of poon. Do you think Jeff Reed has ever been inside the Steelers weightroom?

I think the 3 Cone and the Shuttle Run translate much better to the NFL than the 40 Yard Dash. I expected Pat White to have the best 40 time for QBs, but I pretty surprised that Mark Sanchez and Chase Daniel both had faster shuttle runs than White.

So who is going to be good? Any bum can tell you Michael Crabtree, Matt Stafford, and Andre Smith are going to be good (Mel Kiper). It takes a real keen eye to tell you who else is going to have NFL success.

On the Radar, but barely: Javon Ringer, RB Michigan State
He had excellent times, on the two events I think are the most important (3 cone and shuttle), and he had 390 caries his senior year. He is not affraid of being tackled.

Hey, I think I’ve heard of him: Rhett Bomar, QB Sam Houston
He is the guy that got kicked out off Oklahoma because he was being paid for working at a place he never worked. Whoops. Oklahma's athletic department was shocked, and Bomar landed in Division II where he totally redeemed himself (/Dumb and Dumber’d)

Who the hell is that guy: Nathan Brown, QB Central Arkansas
Basically this is going to be the next Tom Brady. Except not as tall, handsome, or talented, so maybe he is the next Jeff Garcia. Actually, that is an excellent comparison. It is my firm prediction that many NFL teams will regret not drafting him, there will be rumors about his sexuality, and he will bang a smokin hot playmate.

The Super Bowl pick

This is what the whole season has come down to. The Super Bowl. The last game of the year, the last chance to bet on football for 8 months (if you bet on the Pro Bowl, you need help).

There are only 2 options when it comes to betting on the Super Bowl:
#1 Go Big. If you are down money on the year, go double or nothing. Or even more. Worst case scenario, it is a 50/50 chance. Make the biggest bet of the year in the biggest game of the year. With a huge bet, this could be the most memorable Super Bowl ever.

#2 Take it easy. Honestly, who the hell knows what's going to happen? Most likely, you'll be at a party watching the game with a ton of people who know nothing about football. There will be SO much going on during the game, you won't want to have to focus on the spread. Just make a small moneyline bet and enjoy the party.

I must admit, I've picked the Super Bowl wrong about 13 of the past 15 years. I truly defy statistics. But I have good news, I KNOW who is going to cover. I mean I really honestly KNOW that Pittsburgh is going to cover. They HAVE to.

The Cardinals are not on a hot streak. The Cardinals are on a lucky streak, and the extra week between games is not going to be good for them. Sure Kurt Warner has God on his side, but so what. The entire city of Pittsburgh is straight from Hell. Surely, the dark prince will be doing everything in his power to help the Steelers win.

I feel bad that I can't quite put into words what the Steelers are going to do to the Cardinals. Seven points will be nothing. I hope Simmons picks the Steelers, because he will be able to make a much better case for them than I will. Just know that I have a strong gut feeling about the Steelers. I'm definitely in the "Go Big" camp.

NFL Conference Championship Picks

There are only 3 games left, crack open your wallets, and get ready to make some money. I’m 5-3 in the playoffs (and technically, I bet on Baltimore both weeks even though I picked against them. That’s 7-1!!!).

I am 100% positive about my two picks this week, get ready to win a lot of money this week. To get my picks all you have to do is call 1-900-EASY MONEY. It’s only $49.99 a minute, and I stutter really bad so be prepared for a pretty large bill. Or you can just keep reading. Your choice.

EAGLES -4 @ Cardinals
I don’t know anybody that picked the Cardinals last week. Oh shit, I forgot, I picked them. This week HA! They don’t have a chance. They have been insanely lucky, and there luck ends Sunday.
Also, think about who they beat, the Falcons and the Panthers. Two almost identical teams – 1 shakey QB, 1 really good WR, 2 really good RBs, solid defense, and strong run game. Now think about Philly – they are almost the exact opposite. 1 great QB, 0 good WRs, 1 great RB, a great defense, and almost no run game. This is too easy.

Steelers -6 vs. Ravens
The defenses are a push, the Steelers have the better quarterback. I’ll take Willie Parker over all the Ravens RB. Plus, the Steelers have better WRs. The Ravens are much more stylish dressers, and they talk trash better, but the Steelers are at home. Pittsburgh should cover the six points.

*Bet of the week: Eagles/Steelers money line parlay. $10 to win $11.
The BuggyBowl is on.

NFL Round 2 Playoff Picks Take 2

The girls from fuel.tv love my picks.
Eagles +4@ Giants
I'm pretty nervous about this pick. For one thing, the Eagles have Andy Reid as their coach. Even though, I don't think Tom Coughlin is that much better, its still disconcerting to look at the team you bet on and see a fat tub of lard is coaching. The Eagles won in New York just a couple weeks ago, but the situation is a lot different. The Giants have to be used to not having Plaxico, and they have a lot more to play for. So, why am I going with Philly? I guess I'm on board with Donovan McNabb. This could be his last year in Philadelphia, he seems to be running the ball more, and I think things are just going to click for this team today. We'll see.

Steelers -6 vs. Chargers *Lock of the week*
Make no mistake about it, the Chargers were not lucky last week. They played really well, and they deserved to beat the Colts. Sproles was a total badass, and he is going to be getting the bulk of the touches today. It won't matter. Sproles is VERY overrated. He has had some good games and some very good plays, but he hasn't played Pittsburgh. Everyone has been saying the field is going to slow down Pittsburgh's defense. Well, probably, but they will be used to it. Sproles will not. His number one weapon is quickness, and he will be without that today.
Do you remember that punt from last year?


Yeah, Sproles is going crazy on that field... Steelers win by more than a touchdown, and I think we just might have an "Amish Buggy" Super Bowl!

NFL Playoff Picks Round 2

Does anyone have any idea what is going to happen this weekend? I sure as hell don’t. The more thought I put into these games the less confident I get. I’ve changed my mind twenty times, but this is what I settled on. I made a bet on each game, but the odds makers aren’t exactly moving the line after my bet.

Titans -3 vs Ravens
I’ll have a post on my thoughts on Bill Simmons later, for now I will just say he is a very convincing writer and I have to make my picks before I read his column because I’m afraid he will talk me into his picks. This week he helped break it down so simply that I had to go with him – Rookie QB. On the road. Against a great defense.

Cardinals +10 @ Panthers
The Cardinals are very overrated, and the worst part is that they aren’t rated very high to begin with. The Panthers have a solid defense, a great running game, and Steve Smith. The Cardinals can’t run the ball, have a geriatric QB, a rape victim for a defensive tackle, and they give up the 5th most points in the NFL. And then, there is that whole 0-5 on the East coast. Yikes! So, why the hell would I pick them? Ummmm, I don’t really know. 10 points is a lot, especially for a playoff game.

But I think it was an interview of Bertran Berry on PTI. They asked him about being 0-5 on the East coast. His smile faded, and he shook his head as he looked down. He said they had been hearing that nonstop, and he didn’t know why they couldn’t win on the road. I have two theories. #1 the suck and they are going to get blown out tonight. #2 it was a lack of focus, I’m siding with #2. I think this team will have been super focused this week. They are going to come out very prepared, and they are going to challenge Carolina.

Picture is Joanna Krupa from The Last Braincell

Wild Card Weekend 2.0

I would like to amend a statement from yesterday’s post. I wrote “I hate Peyton Manning, but I REALLY, REALLY hate LaDanian Tomlinson and Phillip Rivers. So I hope they both get gorilla masked.” The part about LT and Marmalard getting gorilla masked, I stand by. The part about me having only “hate” for Peyton Manning, I take back. That does not properly convey the intense desire I have to see him get ran over by a midget driving a high speed steam roller. How the fuck did that schmuck win the MVP? I guess it was “nobody was really that great this year so lets give it to the guy who is in all those commercials.”

Except, plenty of people were great. If you vote for stats, Drew Brees was 16 yards short of breaking the record for most passing yards in a season. If you vote for most valuable to their team, Matt Ryan and Chad Pennington turned laughing stocks into playoff teams. If you vote for general awesomeness, Marshawn Lynch was solid, and we all know it don’t get no better than solid. Defense? DeMarcus Ware had 20 sacks, 84 tackles, and forced 6 fumbles. Ed Reed had led the league with 9 interceptions and 3 defensive touchdowns. Patrick Willis had 109 tackles by his damn self, plus he ran a pick back 86 damn yards.

Instead the award goes to Peyton Manning, and I die a little inside. I’ve always thought it was BS he got the award, but I only chose to write about it after the Colts fucked me over last night. I risked significant amounts of money on them to win the game (upwards of $25), and they promptly shit the bed. Now I’m left rooting for a plane crash.

Ravens -3.5 @ Dolphins
That damn half a point. It could be humongous in this game. The Dolphins are built around ball security, and the Ravens don’t exactly have an explosive offense, which means that this game should be pretty close. Holy shit. I just talked myself into the Dolphins as I was typing this.
*New Pick* DOLPHINS +3.5 vs. Ravens
I don’t think the wildcat will work too well against the Ravens, and I think the Ravens defense is good enough to get a couple turnovers and maybe a big special teams play. Plus, Baltimore won by 14 in Miami earlier this year, but last year Miami beat Baltimore to avoid going winless. (Oh yeah, Miami almost went winless last year) Now I want to switch back. Ugh. I’ll stick with Dolphins, but I’m staying away from this game gambling-wise.

Eagles -3 @ Vikings
Andy Reid sends Donovan McNabb to the bench one time and all the sudden he stops sucking? That’s great coaching. Or a coincidence. (side note: McNabb’s pathetic performance against the Redskins cost me a fantasy football championship, so I would have no problem with McNabb’s being given a pigskin suppository.) Big Daddy Drew lays out a pretty nice case for the Eagles in his Jamboroo

So go with his sage advice. Although he could just be trying to convince himself the Vikings are going to lose so that when they do lose, he doesn’t kill himself.

The main reason I’m going against the Vikings is because of Tarvaris Jackson. This is a guy that couldn’t beat out Matt Jones for the starting quarterback position at the University of Arkansas. Seriously. Jackson couldn’t get any playing time, so he transferred to Alabama State. And what is Matt Jones doing these days? Playing wide receiver, snorting cocaine, and calling Joey Porter gay.

WILDCARD, Bitches!!!!!!!

WILDCARD, Bitches!!!!!!!

If you have not seen the tv show, Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia, do the world a favor and watch it. It is hilarious. Somebody described it as Seinfeld + Crack, and I think that is pretty accurate. This is probably my favorite episode from the most recent season: The Gang Solves The Gas Crisis watch it now, thank me later.

In my crew I was unanimously voted the wildcard, while the other schmucks fought over who got to be the looks and who wasn’t the muscle.

Why did I bring this up? Oh yeah, wildcard weekend in the NFL. Earlier this week all four home teams were underdogs. That is not a typo. All four wildcard teams were favored on the road. The lines have moved slightly, and we now have 2 pick em’s and 2 home dogs. This is weird.

Picking Texas Tech was a debacle, and my confidence is shaken pretty bad, but I have to keep going, so here are my picks.

Cardinals pick em vs Falcons
There are a lot of different stats to look at for this game. Cardinals 6-2 at home, Falcons 4-4 on the road. Cardinals outscored their opponents by a combined 1 point, Falcons by 66. Or the fact that the Cardinals bead exactly 1 playoff team this year. All interesting, all irrelevant. I don’t know what is going to happen in this game, and neither does anybody else. All I know is I’m taking the home team, and I don’t have to give any points. Plus, the Cardinals have a former MVP and Super Bowl champ at QB and the Falcons have a rookie. And, one home team HAS to win this weekend.

Colts pick em @ San Diego
Luckily, I DO know what is going to happen in this game. The Colts are going to wreck shop. I’ve heard a lot of talk about how San Diego has won 4 games in a row and how they are peaking at the right time. Umm…*Cough-bullshit*….*Cough-bullshit*…The Colts have won NINE games in a row (one of those wins was in San Diego) and are looking really good. Plus San Diego's four wins were against Oakland, Kansas City (miracle win), Tampa Bay, and Denver. Not impressive.
Also, I hate Peyton Manning, but I REALLY, REALLY hate LaDanian Tomlinson and Phillip Rivers. So I hope they both get gorilla masked.

Week 16 NFL Picks

Just to let you know, I'm keeping my comments shorter this week. Busy at work and I'm getting ready for Christmas stuff this weekend. Last week I went 7-9-1 on my picks last week, so hopefully this week will be better.

My early pick of Colts –6.5 covered last night. I really should do more to cover the Thursday games, but I don't get them on TV so it is hard for me to care about them.

Ravens +4.5 @ Cowboys

The Cowboys looked like all their problems went away after they won, and Ed Werder looked like an asshole. Well, Ed Werder ain't no bitch. He is going to come hard at TO after they lose this game. Also, what is about the worst thing Tony Romo's sore back could ask for? The Ravens Defense. Bigger question, for my fantasy Superbowl do I play Owens or Jerricho Cotchery???? Fucked either way.

Steelers –2 @ Titans

I'm changing my mind on this game. It is weird to see the Titans getting 2 points at home, no Albert Haynesworth is a huge problem. After this game, the Titans are going to look like they got kicked in the face.

Dolphins –4 @ Chiefs

The Chiefs just sucks. The Dolphins can make the playoffs. Arrowhead doesn't mean shit when the Chiefs are 2-12. This one is a lock.

Patriots –8.5 vs. Cardinals

JJ Arington and Boldin are probably going to miss this game. Larry Fitzgerald fantasy owners rejoice. As does the Patriots defense. Cards are basically locked into their playoff spot and the Patriots are fighting for theirs. Also, the last time the Cardinals traveled to the East Coast they lost 48-20.

49ers –5.5 @ St. Louis

49ers should win this one, but it's week 16 and both teams are out of the playoffs. So, don't bet on this one unless you REALLY trust Mike Singletary.

Falcons +3.5 @ Vikings

Both teams fighting for the playoffs, but without Pat Williams, I'm going to take the points. I figure the half point will be crucial.

Saints –7 @ Lions

The Lions completely, absolutely, unapologetically, suck to an unholy degree. Plus, Brees needs 2 huge games to catch Marino. Luckily for him, he gets the lions this week.

Giants –3 vs Panthers

I really do not know about this game. My guess is that Carolina is not really as good as they have been the past couple weeks. We will find out Sunday night.

Buffalo +6.5 Broncos
Chargers +3.5 @ Bucs

For pure Schadenfreude reasons, I really want to see the 8-8 Chargers in the playoffs and the 11-5 Patriots miss the playoffs. That would be great.

Jets –4.5 vs Seahawks

See Dolphins @ Chiefs.

Texans –7 @ Raiders

Wouldn't surprise me if the Raiders won, but I can't side with Jamarcus Russell. Every time I watch him play he looks worse. And fatter. It is astonishing how awful of a quarterback he is. I have McFadden and Fargis on my fantasy team, so I have been forced to watch too many Raiders games. And he makes me angry every week. I have called him every cuss word I know and he literally makes me sick to my stomach he sucks so fucking bad.

Eagles–4 @ Redskins

The Eagles are looking really good, and it seems the Titans peaked too early. If the Eagles get into the playoffs they are peaking at just the right time. If they don't get in, McNabb will probably look even dumber for not knowing about ties in the NFL.

Bengals+2.5 @ Browns

If you or anyone you know bets on this game, please call 1-800-g-a-m-b-l-e-h-o-l--i-c---a-n-o-n-y-m-o-u-s.

Bears –4 vs Packers

If you haven't figured it out, I'm betting on teams that are trying to get into the playoffs over teams who have no chance of making the playoffs.

I'm not betting all these games, though. Only Dolphins, Saints, Jets, Bears, and maybe the Steelers and the Patriots.

I think I'm starting to get the hang of blogging, I made Deadspin and The Big Lead this week, so I'm proud of that. I'm trying to focus more on the sports part of the blog since football is by far my favorite sport. Once football season is over, I'll post more on non-sports stuff. Also, I fucked up earlier in the week and only picked 12 games. I'm an idiot. Sorry.

Thanks for reading, and as always I welcome all comments and critiques.

*Photo from si.com

Week 15 NFL

NFL football picks is one of the main reasons I started this blog. Hopefully, you followed my advice for last nights game and took the Bears -3. Congratulations on that push. You get all the thrill of gambling, without the winning or losing. If you were in Vegas, you got to drink for free and enjoy yourself for a solid 3 hours. Plus, you ALMOST won, damn it.

Packers -1.5 at JAGS
The Fred Taylor quote killed any chances I had of picking the JAGS to cover again. He said this is the worst team he has ever played on. Yikes. Plus I think Aaron Rogers still has a lot to play for even if the Packers don't.

Lions +17.5 at COLTS
DAMN that's a lot of points. If the Colts win by 2 touchdowns AND a field goal, they still don't cover! Vegas just barely made the big enough, so I'm changing my mind on this one and taking the points.

Skins -7 at BENGALS
This line moved a little, but not enough. The Skins lost a couple offensive linemen, but the Bengals have lost their soul. They have been outscored 69-6 in the last 2 weeks. Clinton Portis seems pretty fired up for this game, he might score 3 touchdowns and then donkey punch Jim Zorn.

FALCONS -2.5 vs Bucs
The Bucs gave up 950 rushing yards and rushing 12 touchdowns last Monday. The Falcons have two really good running backs, and they are at home. Less than a field goal is a gift.

DOLPHINS -6.5 vs 49ers
I am HUGE 49ers fan. I don't believe they are that good. I've seen Shaun Hill play in person, and he was truly, remarkably terrible. There is no way they cover 3 straight against the AFC East. A related note. I absolutely hate it when people don't pronounce the "H" at the beginning of words. the 'H' should sound like Hugh (like in Hefner) not Ewww (like somebody just shit their pants.) One of the many reasons I want to kill Tony Kornheiser every Monday night.

Seahawks -2.5 RAMS
Apparently the Seahawks don't suck. The Steven Jackson situation closely resembles the Clinton Portis situation, only I think Portis' is constructive and Jackson's is destructive. Just a hunch. I will not be gambling on this game, because I would feel like I had to watch it, and that would be miserable.

Bills +8.5 at JETS
One of my main gambling rules is: Always take Trent Edwards on the road against Brett Favre. Wait, what? This was another game where I changed my mind. 8.5 is just too many points. Plus I enjoy screaming "BEAST MODE" every time Marshawn Lynch touches the ball. He is stupid fast.

Titans -3 at TEXANS
The Texans are on a roll. They beat the Browns, the Jags, and the Packers!!! Which is awesome, except all those teams kind of suck. That being said, I think the Texans year could have been a lot different if it wasn't for that fuckin hurricane. That was this year right? Why is no one talking about this? I think it screwed their team pretty bad. Also, the Titans are REALLY good. They are still undefeated right? That whole thing with the Jets didn't really count did it?

RAVENS -2.5 vs Steelers
The Steelers have played (and won) two big games in a row. I think it catches up with them here and they lose this one. It will probably be close, but a field covers, so i'll take *gulp* Joe Flacco against the Steelers defense. That doesn't sound very good. I'll take the Ravens defense against Ben Roethlisberger. Much better.

PANTHERS -7.5 vs Broncos
http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/teams/den/injuries
http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/teams/car/injuries
One list is a lot longer than the other. And they are at home.

Chargers -5.5 at CHIEFS
I can not bring myself to bet on Tyler Thigpen. I just can't do it. I know the Chiefs have been putting up big numbers, but Thigpen has only won 1 game. And it was against the Chiefs. Plus, the Chargers are not out of the playoffs yet. If they win their next two AND Denver loses their next two, they play each other for the AFC West title. Also, this is the fantasy football playoffs, and LDT hasn't had a big game in a while. I think LDT is going to make up for his less than steller performance and he will explode these next two weeks and earn championships for a lot of grumpy owners.

CARDINALS -3 vs Vikings
I switched my pick on this game. Arizona has been pretty good against the run, and Vikings haven't been too good against the pass. Also, I trust Kurt Warner a whole hell of a lot more than I trust Tarvaris Jackson. In related news, I agree with Will Leitch when he says the Cards have their division clinched, they aren't getting a bye, so sit Warner and let Leinart get some practice/take some beatings. http://deadspin.com/5104672/the-playoff-buzzsaw-that-is-the-arizona-cardinals

Patriots -7 at RAIDERS
Lock of the week. The Raiders took four straight days off after they got Gorrila Masked by San Diego last Thursday. I don't get it. They got beat 34-7 in prime time on semi-National television. That tells me they need more practice, not less. I could understand taking it easy for a couple days. But no lifting, no stretching, no conditioning, no video. Nothing. For 4 days. Randy Moss feels disrespected.

Giants +2..5 at COWBOYS
The second to last game at Texas stadium might be remembered as the game when TO choked Jason Witten to death on the sideline and had to be taken away in hadcuffs. Owens being jealous of their relationship is just weird. This whole thing has a 'fatal attraction' kind of feel to it. And after hearing some of the quotes from anonymous Cowboy's player I wouldn't be surprised if Owens shows up with a black eye on Sunday. Probably not as distracting as the Plaxico Burress shooting last week, but at least the Giants haven't been all over Sportscenter for their off the field stuff this week. Take the money line.

EAGLES -14 vs Browns
ESPN has to be kicking themselves for this game. A 14 point favorite. Two historically dumb coaches. One who weighs 400 pounds and who I'm quite sure stuffs cheesesteaks into his pockets. The other who has fans performing animal sacrifices to get him fired and to have Bill Cower save their franchise. And KEN DORSEY!!!!!!! (22-46, 150 yards, 0 TD's, 2 picks) The Eagles might not cover, but there is no way in hell I would bet on the Browns.